turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
