It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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