just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
