I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
