i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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