pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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