Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
