I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
