I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
