my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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