If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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