I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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