Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle