are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
