It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...