everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
