i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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