got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
