Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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