i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
