I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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