Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I had to cum in my sink.
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