HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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