He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
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For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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