JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
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I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
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Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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