Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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