my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i think my mom watched the whole time
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
