Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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