I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Four minutes until I can fart!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
