News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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