so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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