Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
