I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
