he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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