happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
