this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
3 2 1 whiskey
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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