Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
