so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
