i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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