one two three fourrrrnication!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
