I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
