Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the condom got lost in my hair
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
