you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
