he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize