Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
