What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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