We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
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Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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