my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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