I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
