Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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