can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
