Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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