Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
