Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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