I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize