His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
