Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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