WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
